The world is full of speech and sounds. How do we choose, amidst the flood of information, what to focus on, what to believe, and what we find meaningful?
Our choices are guided by our own perceptions of things, life, and the world around us. We choose to believe information that best fits our own belief system. There is nothing wrong or bad about this; we all operate this way. When I watch a movie with a friend, we both see the same film, but we experience it differently, each from our own belief systems. Even though I have lived with my siblings in the same family, with the same parents, and we have experienced the same events, each of us has our own story to tell from our childhood experiences.
the skill of listening and hearing
In therapy work, as in any profession where the goal is to help people, examining our own belief systems is essential. What kind of story do I tell myself about myself? What kind of story do I tell myself about other people? What kind of story do I tell myself about my clients? How do the stories I tell myself about myself and others affect what I hear when a client shares their own story? Am I listening to the story my mind is telling me about this particular client, or am I hearing what the client is telling me without my own preconceived notions?
Listening might seem easy, many might think. True. But hearing is significantly more difficult. You can recall a situation where you tried to convey something to someone, but by the end of the conversation, you felt that the other person didn’t understand at all what you were trying to communicate. I can think of several examples where I tried to share something important to me, but the recipient didn’t really hear me.
Sometimes the listener has tried to understand me too quickly, giving me ready-made meanings or completing sentences for me. At other times, the listener hasn’t been able to tolerate my distress and has offered well-intentioned advice instead of letting me speak or focusing on listening and asking more questions. Being heard is of immense significance, especially in therapeutic work. Being heard provides a person with the experience that they are valuable and that their words also have meaning.
the skill of listening and hearing
How do I listen in a way that makes the other person want to talk to me? I believe it starts with becoming aware of the stories I tell myself about myself, the surrounding world, and life in general. It also involves being aware of my own inner dialogue, the conversation I have with myself about the topics I discuss with my clients. Do my own values guide how I steer the conversation? Do I try to understand too quickly, or do I ask questions when I don’t understand? Am I genuinely trying to understand my client’s inner world, how they perceive life and the world? Does the conversation guide what I want to explore or what my client wants to share?
If we do not truly listen to and hear what our clients are telling us, there is a risk that we start addressing the world according to our own understanding. This leads to frustration for both the client and ourselves. It is important for us to become aware of our own automatic ways of hearing, seeing, and thinking, so that we can genuinely be of help in therapy. We need to focus more on the local knowledge, on the reality in which our clients live and how they understand the world, rather than on general knowledge, as most of us do not fit into a pre-made mold.
The next time you are having a conversation with someone, whether it is in a therapy session, at home with your partner, over coffee with a friend, or in the car with your teenage child, take a moment to really listen. Pay attention to what you hear the other person saying and also to what your own thoughts are telling you. Become aware of whether your own interpretations of what the other person is saying are guiding the conversation, or if you are genuinely trying to understand your conversation partner. Also focus on hearing everything that is not being said aloud. Unspoken messages often carry more significance than the spoken words.
