When a teenager reaches adolescence, many aspects of the relationship between the teen and their parents change. The once well-behaved, open, and friendly child suddenly becomes withdrawn, irritable, and embarrassed by their parents. At this stage, parents are often quite bewildered by all the changes occurring in their teenager.
Parents might interpret a teenager’s withdrawal and increased need for personal space as a sign that the teen no longer desires or needs adult companionship. Parents may have been expecting their children to manage on their own for a while and thus start focusing more on their own activities. Teenagers live very strongly in the present moment, so when a teen shouts at their parents to “get lost” or “I don’t want to see you,” it means that the teen doesn’t want to interact with their parents at that particular moment. However, teens still need their parents’ presence and interest in their lives.
A teenager needs an adult with whom they can share their thoughts, ponder life, express their emotions, and have disagreements. The parent’s role is to be present, to endure the teenager’s emotional outbursts, and to convey to the teen that they are valued just as they are and that imperfection is acceptable. Above all, a teenager needs a parent who dares to be an adult.
To ensure that the relationship between the teenager and the parent withstands the turbulence of adolescence, parents need to nurture their relationship with their child even before adolescence begins. If a child has experienced acceptance, interest, and love from their parents before puberty, these positive experiences will endure through the storms of adolescence.
How to communicate with a teenager?
I have compiled a few tips on how to maintain the relationship with a teenager and improve communication between the teenager and their parents.
Listen, Hear, and Engage with Your Teen – A teenager needs genuine presence, so be truly there for them. Be available and approachable. Listen to what your teen says, both verbally and non-verbally. Even hurtful words often carry underlying messages the teen is trying to communicate. Be attentive to what remains unsaid.
Show Interest in your teen’s Life – be genuinely interested in the things that matter to your teen. Ask about their day regularly, even if they respond curtly. Set aside time each week to talk with your teen. Often, issues that concern them come up in the evenings, before bedtime, during trips to activities, or other one-on-one moments. Be available when they need you.
Tell your teen they’re important and praise them – show and tell your teen that they are good and important just as they are. Share positive childhood memories with them. Provide positive feedback on their skills and personality. Highlight their strengths and acknowledge their successes. Teenagers’ self-esteem is very fragile, and parental approval and positive reinforcement are crucial and have a lasting impact.
Set boundaries and respect your teen – It is the parent’s role and challenge to help their teen grow and become independent while also setting safe boundaries. Parents need to remain adults, but they should also teach their teen how to negotiate and make independent decisions. It’s important for parents to respect their teen’s opinions and allow them to decide on personal matters, such as their taste in music, room decor, and appearance.
How to communicate with a teenager?
Handle your teen’s emotional outbursts – allow your teen to express all their emotions. Show them that all feelings are valid, but do not accept behavior that harms others or themselves. Stay calm during your teen’s emotional outbursts, and try not to take their reactions and emotional expressions personally. Also, be open and honest about your own feelings.
In addition, it can be helpful for parents to occasionally reflect on what it was like to be a teenager themselves and what kind of teenager they were. Parents can also share stories about their own youth with their child. It’s beneficial for parents to help their teen view things from different perspectives and with a bit of distance.
It is also important for parents to take care of their own well-being and remember that they are the best parent for their own child.
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